I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
