if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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