He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
