On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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