She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
