1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
