Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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