Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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