R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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