My sheets look like a crime scene.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
this will be a night to untag.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
