You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
