Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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