My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hippo gnu deer
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize