I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
