I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
