i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
His hands were made for my vagina.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
