I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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