when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
