Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
