Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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