see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
