Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
