You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
