Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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