This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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