is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize