im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
