Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
