I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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