It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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