I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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