i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
