Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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