Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
This beer is not sobering me up at all
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
