I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
