Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
