I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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