Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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