I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
