just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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