I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize