My hand turned me down
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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