Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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