the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
