Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
