god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
