Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
