his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
