You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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