i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
