Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think my fart just growled at me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
