Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize