there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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