I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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