im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
