how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
